Guest Blogger

I just don't have time to blog this week, so I'm propping Ben up at the computer and giving him a chance to express himself.

Ben's Blog:

Arrived last month. It was very frightening - there I was, just swimming away in the nice warm water, my every need attended to, and suddenly, the walls of my comfortable little spot literally began closing in on me! There was a "pop!" and all the water went gushing out! "Hey! Wait a second! I'm still using that water!" Well, it quickly became clear that my previously beloved home planned to squeeze me beyond recognition and push me down a tube about half my width. I don't THINK so, I thought. There must be another way out. Besides, who knows what's at the end of that tube? Could be anything out there. Let the cord go first, I said, and pushed it out ahead of me as a test, sort of like sending the bird into the coal mine to check for toxic gasses.

In retrospect, though, might not have thought that one through - I ended up passing out from lack of oxygen. Who knew that rope was so important? But, they did get me out of there awfully quickly and I didn't have the conehead I saw on some of the other babies. So it's all good.

They've brought me to what they call "home." There's a big person with boobs, and a big person without boobs (the Dark One). There is also a short person who keeps getting up in my face, all squeaky-voiced "Hello little Benjamin!" and rubbing himself on me. I'm a bit worried about that one. I do not seem to have control of my arms and legs yet, and so cannot grab his hair and pull yet. Give me a little coordination and I'll bet he'll stop all that fondling pretty quickly. But I have to be careful - he looks like a vengeful sort and seems to have many projectiles he could use against me. I'm not always feeling a whole bunch of love in all those "brotherly" pats, you know what I'm saying?

By the way, who's in charge of this operation, Rumsfeld? What do you think we're doing here, invading Iraq? What's with sending me out here without working parts? My arms and legs are, seriously, all over the place! They freakin' wake me up with all the flailing and I can't even keep my thumb in my mouth. And what's with the vomiting? All vomit, all the time. I'm getting better at turning my neck so it flings over my shoulder, but really, I shouldn't have to do that. I also have an inordinate amount of gas for someone who only eats breastmilk, but apparently I get that from the Dark One.

The one with the boobs has an annoying habit of being near me without putting her boobs in my mouth. If she's around and I'm awake, I see no reason for her boob to not be in my mouth. I have learned to begin screaming and then I'm like "Oh, look, wonder of wonders, I guess the boob is available, after all. Funny how that works. I guess you think I'll just stop if you put that thing in my mfmmmmffffff..."

This also works if I'm with the Dark One. He is useful, I have found, for searching out The One With the Boobs and depending on how loudly I am screaming, can find her quite rapidly.

The One With the Boobs seems intent on getting me to smile or laugh. She's always making these goofy faces and telling me to smile. I'm like, "Hey, when there's something to smile about, I'll smile, OK? But right now I'm gassy, my clothes are wet from vomit, my arms are flailing all over the place and you guys don't change my diaper quickly enough." But the fact that I can't speak the language yet is causing a communication breakdown. More bad planning, if you ask me.

Plan is to keep the boob in my mouth as much as possible, continue to work on arm/leg control, and stare at high contrast things. Oh, and keep trying to grab that short one's hair.