MIA

Yeah, I was MIA this week - Big Sister and Big Niece came and visited and a good time was had by all (especially them the second night when we fixed the hard-as-rock-futon problem).

The SWAN: What the hell was that? I realize I'm late on the bandwagon here, but with so many reality TV shows, sometimes I just watch the final episode. I'm a busy woman, people! So, these women have found new lives and new self-esteem through plastic surgery? They've overcome massive odds to succeed in their makeovers and they feel like new women? As Squeaky Weasel noted, they look like a bunch of drag queens. You know what I think? These women need to go work on a burn unit for a while. Then come back and cry about how awful you had it. I'm all about shallow TV, but this bugged me.

Cuteness: Our little neighbor boy (about 7) plays football with his parents in front of our house after dinner most nights. A. adores him so we go out with our soccer ball and kick it around next to them while I try to keep A. from running into the middle of their game. So A. and I are out there alone one afternoon, and all of a sudden A. grabs the ball, squats to the ground, and says, "Too! Fiiiv! Sik!", drops the ball and runs wildly in a big circle. It took me a couple rounds of this to figure out he was imitating the neighbors playing football. Oh, man, it was funny.

More cuteness: A. resisted baby sign language in the worst way possible. He clearly never got the memo that says babies are supposed to take to this stuff like ducks to water, and would only do the signs for "airplane" and "hot" for months. He absolutely refused to do the sign for nursing, and refused to say anything like "nurse." He preferred to pull on my shirt, and he'd sit up when he was done with one side and I'd say, "Other side?" and he'd say "Yep!" Fine, it got the point across, whatever. But now he's had a leap of little brain development and now says, "Shiiiide!" and "Udder shiide!" for nursing.

It's a Brand New Day...

So whaddya think of the new topper? The idea is summertime, if it's not obvious. And yes, that is A. on the far right. There's another cute photo of him with a mohawk (what else do you do when you have to slather sunscreen all over a baby's scalp but create cute hairstyles?), but I liked this one. He's mad there because he was chomping on a lemon and I took it away. Don't worry, everyone, I gave it back.

Here in sunny California, it's gray and the sun is AWOL. About 6-8 times a year, G teaches a couple's communication workshop and has to take our big TV and VCR to the office for a few days. We substitute my tiny early-90's-era TV in our family room, don't have a second VCR, and the DVD doesn't work with this TV. This access to only 35 channels and no recorded video creates a bit of a crisis for A., as both Playhouse Disney and his beloved Teletubbie/Thomas videos are inaccessible. He rarely throws tantrums but he was really pissed off this morning. It's times like these I think, "Hmmm. Maybe we let him watch too much TV."

Teee Veee.....

Tuesday!

Week 10 - Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip...
Jay Leno once quipped when he was alone in an elevator his mind always reverted to the lowest song he could think of: "Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed..."

Love them or hate them, TV theme songs stick with us for years! If you're stuck on some lyrics, click here for a comprehensive page with words I never even knew existed. (Who knew I Dream of Jeannie had lyrics???)

On that musical note:

1. What is your favorite TV theme song? I always liked Family Ties "What would we do, baby, without us?" Also Cheers was good. And currently, Rolie Polie Olie is pretty catchy.


2. Which song drives you crazy enough to hit mute on the remote? Alice. It sticks in my head until I want to shoot myself. Let me refresh your memory: "Used to be sad, I used to be shy, and in between I cooked and cleaned and I never knew why...going through life with blinders on it's tough to see, I had to get out from under and look for me...There's a new girl in town and she's looking GOOD! There's a fresh freckled face in the neighborhood! There's a new girl in town and she's feeling fine! She was just passing through, but if things work out she's gonna stay awhiiile."
That was just written completely from memory. Glad to share the joy.

3. Which song are your proud to say you remember (most of) the lyrics to??? See Above. No, actually, I know all the lyrics to Beverly Hillbillies, which comes in handy every once in a while.

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed
A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed
And then one day he was shooting at some food
And up from the ground come a bubblin' crude.
Oil, that is, black gold. Texas Tea.

So the next thing you know old Jed's a millionaire
Kinfolk said, "Jed move away from there!"
Said "California is the place you oughta be"
So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly.
Hills, that is. Swimming pools, movie stars.

~Bonus~ Put the lyrics on your page (from memory), and I'll list you next week in the TV Tuesday Theme Song Hall of Fame. Don't forget to leave a comment so I'll know you posted! Do I get bonus points for two? Wanna hear the theme song from Rolie Polie Olie?

Thanks for playing, and remember:

"Got kind of tired packing and unpacking,
Town to town and up and down the dial
Maybe you and me were never meant to be,
But baby think of me once in awhile.

I'm at WKRP in Cincinnati..."

I Watch Too Much....

TV TUESDAY!

How do you feel about reunion shows?

1. What show would you like to see brought back for an hour or two episode, to see how the characters are doing now? (This should be a show that it might be possible to do a reunion on.) Seinfeld

2. Pick a show that could not realistically be brought back for a reunion, because some or all of the cast members are gone. What if they could have done a reunion before it was too late? Name the show you'd most like to see. The old Mickey Mouse Club! I'd love to see them sitting around smoking cigarettes and drinking.

3. Which reunion show have you watched and thought "Wow, they should have left that one alone!" Brady Bunch - ick. Actually, Gilligan's Island was pretty bad, too. Usually reunion shows seem like a good idea but then they just make me feel sorry for the cast.

~Bonus~ Which do you prefer- a "reunion" episode of the series, or a "cast reunion" where the actors sit around and talk about the making of the show? I was going to say I prefer episode types because I want my fantasies intact, but actually I think I like the cast reunions better - with lots of old clips. I don't think I've seen a reunion show (episode-type) that didn't make me cringe.

So how was your...

Mother's Day? Mine was great. G made me this bracelet. How lucky am I to have a husband who makes jewelry? There's a tourmaline for me, a pearl for him, and a sapphire for A in the middle. Not a real sapphire - G learned all about how finding sapphires with holes drilled through is pretty tough, so it's actually a blue crystal. I also got a gift certificate for a pedicure and some money for scrapping supplies or clothes, which I really need. I'm sure my clients are tired of seeing me in one of my two black dresses. I only see clients two days a week, so I just switch them back and forth. Pretty tricky, eh? (Pretty pathetic).

Anyway, A has been so sweet lately - he'll just stop what he's doing and run over with a big smile on his face to give me a hug. He'll want a little cuddle-break in the middle of his playing and then go on his way. I'm loving it.

Oh, hey, SURVIVOR!
I'm still annoyed at Rupert, Big Tom and Jenna for not voting Rob off. Duh. And I also think all the players who complain about being bamboozled should take a cue from Richard Hatch - that's the way you win the game. Everytime you enter into an alliance with someone, you're taking a chance. Isn't that what they all talk about during the game? "I don't know if I can trust so-and-so...." NEWSFLASH: you can't. You're taking a calculated (hopefully) risk. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The reason Rob was in the final two is that he knew that, and he tried to cover himself in case some alliances didn't work. Lex and Kathy took a huge risk by keeping Amber, and they should've known that. Obviously, some thought the friendships would make alliances stronger, but it doesn't.

And, this is going to sound terribly catty, but does anyone else think that being with Rob has turned Amber into a hoochie mama? She looked way better on that island than she did last night. But that's just my opinion - I've never been into the big-hair-Jersey look. She's gonna staht tahking like dis preddy soon.

TV Tuesday

It's TV Tuesday!


1. Who is/was your favorite TV mom? This is obscure, but I really liked Anne Archer on a short-lived long-ago series called "Family Tree," also featuring a young James Spader as the sullen teenage rebel with a heart of gold.

2. Was she a realistic mother, or more of a TV fantasy type? I think they tried to make her realistic (it was a blended family), but in retrospect, I don't think she did much but try to win over her stepchildren.

3. Which TV mom did you find the most unrealistic? Or if you’d rather: creepy – sappy – mean – you choose the adjective, and you name the mom. Surprisingly, I didn't like Mrs. Brady much. What did she DO all day? Mrs. Partridge was cool, and I liked Abby on 8 is Enough, too.

~Bonus~ No disrespect to your dear old mum, but which TV mom did you think it might be neat to have as your own? The Anne Archer one - but I can't remember her name.

Thanks for playing! Happy Mother’s Day, and always remember the loving words of TV mom Roseanne Conner: “If those kids are alive by the time he comes home at the end of the day, then hey, I’ve done my job!”


AND....From Magic 8 Ball:

The answers for this week:

Yes definitely: Will Lunasea be required to watch Teletubbies ("Tuh-yees!" in A-ese) again today by her 20-month-old dictator?

Signs point to yes: Will Lunasea require more caffeine today in order to function and/or operate the VCR?

It is decidedly so: Will Lunasea make fun once again of the silly fake lamb in precious Tuh-yees Land?

Most likely: Will Lunasea succumb to the lure of the weirdly gooey sugar-free toffee bars on top of the refrigerator, pushed way in the back?

Survivor Update

Blegh. I do not understand these people. Why aren't Rupert, Jenna and Tom taking Rob out? Do they really think he's going to take anyone but Amber with him to the final two? Don't they realize that, wimpy fire notwithstanding, he's got a good chance at winning immunity? Take him out when you've got the chance, and try to take Shii Ann to the final two because no one likes her. Did you not notice that he lied to Lex and Alicia? Grrrr. And Tom's sucking up to Rob last night made me sicker than imagining eating that live grub worm. They're all starting to piss me off.

And would it be that difficult to use subtitles with Tom? Did he say he wished his neighbor's sister was sharing the bed with him? Or what? I even rewound a couple times and I still didn't understand him.

Mumble Mumble

I've been kind of interested in the way the Blogger ads change at the top of this page depending on what I write. For a while, they were for Wiggles merchandise, after I wrote about the Wiggles. Then for Coke products, after I mentioned Diet Coke. Then baby products. But now it's suggesting I have problems with dyslexia. Sheesh, everyone's a critic. Maybe when it sees the title of this one it'll suggest speech therapy.

Today was hot, so I tried to put sandals on the munchkin. To put them on, I had to take off the socks he slept in. He freaked. He didn't seem to mind his sandals so much as the fact that I took his socks off. A moment prior, he'd been happily eating his fake soy burger, and now tears were rolling down his face and he was gesturing wildly to the socks I'd so heartlessly removed. I asked, "You want the socks back on?" He cried, "Yeah!!" OK, fine, socks go back on, I don't care. But he had the same reaction when I took off his top to eat spaghetti - I figured, it was hot and spaghetti's messy, we're taking a bath after this anyway, might as well avoid tomato sauce stains on the shirt. "WAAAAHHH!" He grabbed the shirt and tried to cover himself with it. I thought babies liked to be naked. He is so darn modest. I don't know why - he's got an awfully cute little belly.

AI: Diana's growing on me, I must say. I missed what Simon said about John, but I take it that it was respectful. Jasmine, thank you for getting rid of the silly flower, but you didn't do well. I missed Latoya too because I was getting all the darn Costco stuff out of the trunk. I want them to get back to the Ford commercials 'cause that Subway one was just silly. Yeah, Fantasia's gonna dig working at Subway.

Strength in Numbers

1. Exchange at the grocery store tonight:

Me: $1.49? The sign under the pistachios right here (pointing to display right across from checkstand) says .99.

Guy behind me: Yep, she's right. That's what it says.

Checker: No, it's $1.49.

Me: See the sign right here? Under the full box of pistachios? (ruffles through the box full of pistachios for emphasis). See? A box FULL of pistachios, and nothing but pistachios.

Guy behind me: Yep, that's what it says. 99 cents. Right there.

Checker: No, it's $1.49. They're in the wrong place. Someone put them in the peanuts' place. Do you want them or not?

Me: Well, I'll still take them, but I think you should move the nuts.

Guy behind me: I think you should give them to her for .99.

Me: Yeah, it's not my fault someone put them in the wrong place.

Checker: FINE! (takes .50 off)

Me: Thank you, guy behind me.

And the moral is, stand up for the person in front of you. Maybe he did this because the lady in front of me took a really long time counting out her change and was still 5 cents short, so I looked through my purse for a nickel. I didn't have one, but apparently the karma still counted.

2. First day of SBD and I want nothing more than a piece of soft white bread. Hell, I'd take soft white flour. But I can tell my body is "detoxing" and so I'm sticking to it. The 99 cent pistachios helped.

3. Question about the Barbara Walters special where 6 couples get to vie for a teen's baby: Does America get to choose?

Pot Stirrer

Go Shi Ann! You take your bad self and stir things up. What have you got to lose? I'm glad Alicia's gone. She's strong, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like her in person. "You have to come back and live with us.." she warns Shi Ann. Hey sweetie, what's more relevant is that YOU have to go back and live with HER!

Rob M is growing on me, but not that much. I'm actually not that crazy about anyone left. I'm surprised Rupert won the reward challenge. I would've been saying, "Me! Ram a wooden pole through my clay face!" because that challenge was not a reward in any way - it was designed to heighten tension. It's annoying that it looks like Rupert, Jenna, Rob and Amber are going to be in the final four. I still wish Kathy'd been able to stage a coup. Rob just might win after all, and while he has played hard, it's still annoying.

And Don't Piss Ryan Seacrest off....

'cause he'll forget to shave. Hey, America, Ryan's not pleased with your vote. "C'mon, people, this isn't a popularity contest, we're supposed to vote for TALENT"! Bye, Jennifer - you're a good belter, but the redheads' plan to take over the world is bigger than you are. It's gotta help the sting a bit, though, when Ryan and the judges all say America's wrong and someone else (hello, John) should have gone. Poor George, they set him up. He does have to learn to sing a sad song without grinning, though. And Barry, I know I have to turn off my schmaltz meter when you come around, but sweetie, you really overdid it this time. Enough with the exploitive I-Love-America songs. I love this country too, but you just wanna sell records. Next thing you know, Billy Joel and Elton John will get together and do a duet about the Statue of Liberty: "My Stone Lady In The Wind (Who Was Originally From France Which We Don't Like 'Cause They're Cowards But They Did Give Us This Cool Statue Which Is Now American...)"

Oh Barry, you came and you gave without taking....

The Hobbit was kicked off AI a week too early, as far as I'm concerned. I bet he would've done Copacabana and acted out all the parts, too. Wouldn't that have been a highlight? Tall Skinny Redhead is probably going to go next week. I like him, but he's out of his depth here. I agree with Martini - Jasmine's gotta get rid of that stupid flower. Put it on your dress or your wrist or something - it doesn't go with Manilow (unless you're singing Copa, 'cept she had feathers in her hair).

TV Tuesday

From, coincidentally enough, TV Tuesday. These are actually from last week, because I rarely watch TV cop shows (this week's theme).

1. Is there a game show (past or present) you think you would do really well on, as a contestant?
Name That Tune (they need to bring that back).

2. Is there a game show you think is the stupidest thing you've ever seen?
Bonsai - funny for the first minute, then old.

3. Is there a game show you watch, but don't like to admit to watching? (A guilty pleasure!)
Does America's Funniest Home Videos count as a game show?

~Bonus~ Who is your favorite game show host? Who is your least favorite?
I've always liked Tom Bergeron, from back when he was host on Fox After Breakfast. Did not like Gene Rayburn and his goofy microphone.

Get Ready to Wiggle!

Yep, we saw the Wiggles today! A was enthralled - for a full hour he stared at the stage, and eventually even joined in the clapping.

(Excuse me while I go shoot the guy who is working next door. It's 9:30pm and he's been revving the engine of his piece-of-crap orange truck for OVER AN HOUR. He does this EVERY NIGHT. Then he, blessedly, drives away. Twice tonight we heard big bangs that shook the house and G even climbed into the attic to see if something had fallen through the roof. It was probably Orange Truck Guy doing something stupid. I don't know what it was.

OK, he's gone now. It's his lucky day. Next time, I'm not kidding, I'm shooting him. Back to the Wiggles...)
The best parts:

Captain Feathersword doing imitations of Mick Jagger, Britney Spears, Bob Dylan and Metallica singing "Cockadoodledo." That came right about the time in the concert where most parents were getting wiggled out, so the timing was good.

Henry the Octopus didn't have any songs.

Murray and Jeff went into the audience to collect roses for Dorothy the Dinosaur ("for safety reasons" she didn't go herself - guess she's had some death threats or something) and we were literally 2 feet from Murray. He waved at A. And I didn't have my camera.

Strangest parts:

The big blow up doll of Jeff. No one else had a blow up doll - just Jeff. They blew it up and deflated it a couple times. And then they deflated it on stage and it fell on Anthony. I think it was supposed to happen because it was sort of slapstick, but the implications are just weird.

They had the same dancers they have on the show - including Mr. Bobblehead. You who watch the show - you know who I'm talking about. The manic guy who jerks his head while he dances. His hair, though, is dark now. Even in a big eagle costume, you could tell which one he was because the beak kept jerking around.

The dancers were bouncing around on these really cool FURRY hippity-hops. Where do I get one of those?

G was a bit disappointed they didn't drive out in the Big Red Car. But the stage was quite small, and the set cheap. Big blow-up stalagmites, and of course, the big blow up Jeff. People make big signs and the Wiggles make a valiant attempt to read them all. Next time we'll know. And next time, we're springing for the Hot Potato section (and a beer). All in all, it was quite enjoyable.

Survivor Update

Could someone please translate for me what Big Tom is saying? What does his wife deserve? Why don't they use those subtitles for him?

Lex, Lex, Lex, the mohawk's not a good look for you. Especially when you're tan and your scalp isn't.

Here's me during the challenge that Alicia, ShiAnn, Rob and Amber were doing: ":::sob:::But none of them have kids! All the people who lost have kids!::::sob::::They should let them see their children!" And is there a mother out there who didn't imagine how heartwrenching it would be to see a tape of your little one and know you couldn't talk to them?:::sob::: That's one BIG reason why I wouldn't sign up for this game. The other reason is that I'd really suck at it. "Excuse me? I have to WIN a rain poncho? After 4 days of steady downpour? What kind of resort is this? Get me the masseuse."

Reality Show Update

G joked last night while watching the Apprentice that it was time for Jeff Probst to show up in his helicopter. I suggested that the boardroom walls were going to fall away to reveal a studio audience. Hah! Little did we know.

So Omarosa wasn't set up - she's an unstable liar. Well. Okay then. Kwame screwed himself when he picked his team, I think. I do like him - I'd work for him anyday, as long as it didn't involve Omarosa.

Last night A was just beside himself. He didn't want to take a bath, he didn't want to get out of the bath; he didn't want me to put his cup of juice anywhere besides the kitchen counter; he didn't want his jammies on, he didn't want to be naked. He wanted his airplanes, he didn't want to go get them. He was mad at me, he didn't want me to put him down. I finally just picked him up, sat down and held him. I would've put him to bed since he was obviously tired, but G was coming home early and wanted him to stay up and play, so he got to deal with him while I collapsed on the sofa and watched the AI results show.

Speaking of which, goodbye to the Hobbit. It was fun to watch you jerk all over the stage.

ACK! Almost forgot the Reality Show Update!

Survivor: Bye bye Jerri. It's about time - couldn't stand her last time, couldn't stand her this time. She held her tongue more this time, but still - I didn't want her going any further in the game. And how Godfather is Rob? "You take care o' her, I take care o' you" - and everyone's afraid they'll wake up with a horse's head if they don't keep Amber. What exactly does Amber see in this guy? I'd set Alicia up with him before Amber.

AI: Yeah, the Hobbit's still in the game! But sorry, big redheaded dude - you're going next, I'm afraid. Unless the theme next week is Tony Bennett - you never know. I'm still waiting for Manilow night - that'll be a keeper! ("Oooooh Mandy...you came and you gave without taking....")

Apprentice: Ooooh, I can't wait till next week. I bet the last two (my guess - Bill and Amy) have to negotiate with Omarosa for their final challenge. Brilliant twist - Mark Burnett is awfully good at this stuff, isn't he?

Wiggles Analysis

We're going to see the Wiggles Live! in a few weeks. I think it's going to blow A's mind. "WTH? I KNEW there were real people inside that TV!" So, here is my take on a few of the Wiggle characters:

GregAnthonyJeffMurray: Undifferentiated Ego Mass. Although, don't you feel a little sorry for Jeff? He's so short and they don't really let him sing. No wonder he keeps falling asleep.

Henry the Octopus: The Entitled Bully. He's always ordering everyone around. "Shine, shine, shine my shoes! Rub some seaweed on my shoes!" Hey, Henry, with 8 arms you should be able to get one of them to work - do it yourself. And stop ordering that underground band around - those backup fish are going to become famous and leave you in the dust if you aren't nicer to them.

Dorothy the Dinosaur: The Co-Dependent Whiner. "Oooohhhh, the hat I made you got all wet!" I was hoping to win your affections by sucking up to you, Anthony. Because I think that's the only way I can make friends. Oh please, tell me I'm OK, over and over.

Wags the Dog: The Narcissist. But, I like Wags. C'est Bon, C'est Wags. You go, dog, do that tango.

Captain Feathersword: He's easy. The Delusional Manic. Oh, OK, you're a pirate. And people do dances with pompoms on your pirate ship. Riiiiight.

A. found his pacifier (God knows where) and handed it to me. I thought he was being so good because he knows he's only supposed to have his paci in bed. But then he walked over the sink and pointed to it. He wanted me to wash it off. Oh, OK, Suddenly-Afraid-of-Germs-Boy. Then he took it back and popped it in. So I said, "Hey, let's go put that back where it belongs." He immediately ran into the TV room and pointed to the TV - "ooohh! Oooh!" Like, "Look at Stanley! He's talking to his goldfish!" (Let me say here that "Stanley" is the show that holds A's interest the least. He's never shown any interest in it - until now). Nice try, bud.

I'm Ready for My Close-Up

We need someone to replace Martha Stewart. Obviously, her image no longer quite fits with chickens, flowers and clean linens. So Omnimedia needs to replace her, and quickly. I am volunteering for the job. No, I don't have quite the perfectionistic streak Martha had, but isn't that a Good Thing? There's no chance of insider trading, or really any dirty laundry with me, and I could appeal to that sort of Everywoman who wants to be Martha but has kids and a life. I know nothing about chickens, but I suppose I could learn for the sake of the show. I love clean linens, and I'm good about learning how to cook things. My intake skills would come into play when I asked just the right questions of guests, and I'd actually be able to relate to the kids when they come on the show (wasn't that painful to watch?). I think I'd be a perfect replacement - likable, but not too much like Martha. They can't hire another ice queen - it just wouldn't work. So I'm waiting for my call.

Alias: OK, I'm just getting annoyed now. Why does a U.S. senator's daughter have a British accent? And I think they should lay off Dixon. Enough trauma for the poor guy. And how did Sydney snag those scrubs for the lab when she'd been in a silver jumpsuit just moments before? And WTH was that thing around the Rambaldi box? It always stretched reality before, but now it's getting silly.