So how was your...

Mother's Day? Mine was great. G made me this bracelet. How lucky am I to have a husband who makes jewelry? There's a tourmaline for me, a pearl for him, and a sapphire for A in the middle. Not a real sapphire - G learned all about how finding sapphires with holes drilled through is pretty tough, so it's actually a blue crystal. I also got a gift certificate for a pedicure and some money for scrapping supplies or clothes, which I really need. I'm sure my clients are tired of seeing me in one of my two black dresses. I only see clients two days a week, so I just switch them back and forth. Pretty tricky, eh? (Pretty pathetic).

Anyway, A has been so sweet lately - he'll just stop what he's doing and run over with a big smile on his face to give me a hug. He'll want a little cuddle-break in the middle of his playing and then go on his way. I'm loving it.

Oh, hey, SURVIVOR!
I'm still annoyed at Rupert, Big Tom and Jenna for not voting Rob off. Duh. And I also think all the players who complain about being bamboozled should take a cue from Richard Hatch - that's the way you win the game. Everytime you enter into an alliance with someone, you're taking a chance. Isn't that what they all talk about during the game? "I don't know if I can trust so-and-so...." NEWSFLASH: you can't. You're taking a calculated (hopefully) risk. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The reason Rob was in the final two is that he knew that, and he tried to cover himself in case some alliances didn't work. Lex and Kathy took a huge risk by keeping Amber, and they should've known that. Obviously, some thought the friendships would make alliances stronger, but it doesn't.

And, this is going to sound terribly catty, but does anyone else think that being with Rob has turned Amber into a hoochie mama? She looked way better on that island than she did last night. But that's just my opinion - I've never been into the big-hair-Jersey look. She's gonna staht tahking like dis preddy soon.

Superstition

An online friend sent me a link to a website for a little boy who has an aggressive brain cancer. I went, watched the video, got teary-eyed, and as usual, terrified of another thing that could rip A. from my arms.

When A. was an infant, I used to go to memorial websites and message boards for parents who'd lost their babies to SIDS. I felt like a voyeur, looking in on these people's grief for my own purpose. I went because I was superstitious. I believed on some level that if I read their stories and faced their pain, it wouldn't happen to me. Like God is sitting up there tallying people who are in denial about babies' death and those who aren't, and those who aren't in denial get a break. That's ridiculous, I know - people have lost their entire families to war, cancer, accidents, etc. People who we think couldn't possible survive another tragedy get blasted again. When I was about 6 months pregnant, we went to see "The Bedroom" (spoiler ahead if you haven't seen it) - when the only son of the couple is murdered, I whispered to G, "OK, we have to have at least two."

Ultimately, I can control so little. I want to believe I can keep him safe. That I can keep the SIDS and the brain tumors and the accidents away. That God will see that I can't possibly survive losing him, and so won't put me through that. I don't think a day goes by that I don't imagine something happening to take him away from us. It's quick, a quick inner gasp that I don't dwell on. On Mondays G takes A. across the bridge to our friend's house to babysit for a few hours while he and I both see clients. It goes through my mind like a flash - the awareness that both of my guys are in the same car, and if something happens, I could lose them both. If I see a story about a kidnapping, or childhood cancer, or even remembering the Oklahoma bombing where so many children in daycare were tragically killed - that inner gasp catches me - what if I lose A.? What if I lost his goofy grin? What if he never grows up? So I push those thoughts aside and go on with my day because I have to. I can't live in fear. But honestly, the fear's never very far away.

Get Ready to Wiggle!

Yep, we saw the Wiggles today! A was enthralled - for a full hour he stared at the stage, and eventually even joined in the clapping.

(Excuse me while I go shoot the guy who is working next door. It's 9:30pm and he's been revving the engine of his piece-of-crap orange truck for OVER AN HOUR. He does this EVERY NIGHT. Then he, blessedly, drives away. Twice tonight we heard big bangs that shook the house and G even climbed into the attic to see if something had fallen through the roof. It was probably Orange Truck Guy doing something stupid. I don't know what it was.

OK, he's gone now. It's his lucky day. Next time, I'm not kidding, I'm shooting him. Back to the Wiggles...)
The best parts:

Captain Feathersword doing imitations of Mick Jagger, Britney Spears, Bob Dylan and Metallica singing "Cockadoodledo." That came right about the time in the concert where most parents were getting wiggled out, so the timing was good.

Henry the Octopus didn't have any songs.

Murray and Jeff went into the audience to collect roses for Dorothy the Dinosaur ("for safety reasons" she didn't go herself - guess she's had some death threats or something) and we were literally 2 feet from Murray. He waved at A. And I didn't have my camera.

Strangest parts:

The big blow up doll of Jeff. No one else had a blow up doll - just Jeff. They blew it up and deflated it a couple times. And then they deflated it on stage and it fell on Anthony. I think it was supposed to happen because it was sort of slapstick, but the implications are just weird.

They had the same dancers they have on the show - including Mr. Bobblehead. You who watch the show - you know who I'm talking about. The manic guy who jerks his head while he dances. His hair, though, is dark now. Even in a big eagle costume, you could tell which one he was because the beak kept jerking around.

The dancers were bouncing around on these really cool FURRY hippity-hops. Where do I get one of those?

G was a bit disappointed they didn't drive out in the Big Red Car. But the stage was quite small, and the set cheap. Big blow-up stalagmites, and of course, the big blow up Jeff. People make big signs and the Wiggles make a valiant attempt to read them all. Next time we'll know. And next time, we're springing for the Hot Potato section (and a beer). All in all, it was quite enjoyable.

Reality Show Update

G joked last night while watching the Apprentice that it was time for Jeff Probst to show up in his helicopter. I suggested that the boardroom walls were going to fall away to reveal a studio audience. Hah! Little did we know.

So Omarosa wasn't set up - she's an unstable liar. Well. Okay then. Kwame screwed himself when he picked his team, I think. I do like him - I'd work for him anyday, as long as it didn't involve Omarosa.

Last night A was just beside himself. He didn't want to take a bath, he didn't want to get out of the bath; he didn't want me to put his cup of juice anywhere besides the kitchen counter; he didn't want his jammies on, he didn't want to be naked. He wanted his airplanes, he didn't want to go get them. He was mad at me, he didn't want me to put him down. I finally just picked him up, sat down and held him. I would've put him to bed since he was obviously tired, but G was coming home early and wanted him to stay up and play, so he got to deal with him while I collapsed on the sofa and watched the AI results show.

Speaking of which, goodbye to the Hobbit. It was fun to watch you jerk all over the stage.

Well, I'm upright now. And I've stopped harfing. I'm still really tired and weak, and I swear A. has gained 10 lbs in the last 2 days. I don't know whether to work or not tomorrow. I hate that in-between stage where you're not quite as sick as you were, but don't know what's well enough to go back to work - am I being a wuss if I call my clients and cancel? (I would be a poor wuss, that's for sure - 6 clients in a row tomorrow :::poof:::goes the money). Or am I being stupid if I go and, heaven forbid, fall asleep on some poor client?

I love the line by Annie Lamott that goes something like, "My mind is like a bad neighborhood that I should not wander alone." I've convinced myself that this is just the start of some horrible chronic disease, you know, the ones that start "I thought I had the flu," and end with a simpler life and a positive attitude. And although I often spend days alone with A., for some reason doing it these two days, sick, means I have no life and am a pathetic recluse. Watching Wayne Brady while prone on the couch will do that to you. A and I went for a short walk today (next door) and stood outside the neighbor's garage until they came out and talked to us.

But American Idol is on tonight - that will make everything all better.

Hola! Hopefully this will be my space for learning web editing, writing and getting some "me" time. I'm a psychotherapist and a mother, so lots of my energy goes to others. I'm in danger of becoming one of those women whose major topic of conversation is whatever was on Oprah or Dr. Phil, so I hope it's not too late to save myself.

My current favorite blog is Jenny's Blog. I like to fantasize that I have time to do all the stuff she does. I also just think the site's really cute. Speaking of cute, my one-year-old son, Aidan is adorable. I know it's true because other people have told me. There are more photos here.





This is the biohazard posting currently in the doorway of bedroom. We had asbestos removed from our attic in anticipation of our new furnace. After they remove it, they test the air and will give us the results tomorrow. If they find any asbestos in the sample, they have to come out and vacuum again. I feel like we're in that scene in ET where ET's sick and the house is quarantined. We can get into the bedroom, it just looks like there's a plastic shower stall attached to the closet.

By the way, the title of this blog comes from a BNL song on a rockin' kid's CD Aidan and I listen to. Got it for $3.50 used at Amoeba. Verrry exciting. I'm bummed, though, because we're going to miss them when they come to Berkeley. They just went on sale on Sunday and are already sold out. As luck would have it, they'll be in Portland during Thanksgiving. And, of course, it's not our year to be in Portland for Thanksgiving. Grrrr.

Well, I think I've done pretty well tonight, what with posting photos and links and so on. Not exactly anything a 5th grader couldn't do, but it's a start. Maybe tomorrow I'll have time to add a scrolling marquee. Or one of those cascade things that follows your cursor around with moving stars or hearts or something. Just kidding - I hate those.