Friday, April 30, 2004

Survivor Update

Blegh. I do not understand these people. Why aren't Rupert, Jenna and Tom taking Rob out? Do they really think he's going to take anyone but Amber with him to the final two? Don't they realize that, wimpy fire notwithstanding, he's got a good chance at winning immunity? Take him out when you've got the chance, and try to take Shii Ann to the final two because no one likes her. Did you not notice that he lied to Lex and Alicia? Grrrr. And Tom's sucking up to Rob last night made me sicker than imagining eating that live grub worm. They're all starting to piss me off.

And would it be that difficult to use subtitles with Tom? Did he say he wished his neighbor's sister was sharing the bed with him? Or what? I even rewound a couple times and I still didn't understand him.

The Greatest Story Ever Told

So I'm trying to manipulate the Blogger ads at the top of the screen. So far no anti-plague ads, but it does say that related searches (related to my blog, I guess) include "Song of Songs." Is that from the reference to Playboy, or is it that my writing deserves to be immortalized? Oh, Blogger, you confound me!


Have a coffee cup tell your fortune (see sidebar left bottom - put your cursor over the cup and click on the steam that rises). I got "Zaire" and here's the interpretation: "You hold all the keys to success within -- intelligence, talent, and determination yet your goals seem to elude you right now. You are entering a period when circumstances beyond your control are holding the strings that determine the course of your days. It is a troublesome time, and it will take all you have within you to hold fast to your ideals and commitment. To resist the tide would be to break and all would be lost. All you can do for the moment is ride out the currents until they calm and you can once again chart your own course. Do not despair. If you maintain your belief in yourself during this trying time you will eventually triumph."

Well. That sucks.

Thursday, April 29, 2004

Let's Pretend Today is Tuesday

Would you rather:

Have the lifetime channel make a movie out of your life OR the playboy channel? I guess the Lifetime Channel. I wouldn't mind writing a movie for the Playboy Channel, but believe me, it would all be fantasy.

lick a cat's nose OR give it a proctology exam without gloves? (thanks nicole)
Lick the nose.

find a bag containing $20,000 and turn it in before you find out it belonged to an known mob boss OR not turn it in, spend it all, and find out it belonged to an orphange?

I guess turn it in. It's still not mine, no matter who it belongs to. And besides, if the mob boss is wealthy, he may give me a reward or take out my enemies or something.

find out your parents kidnapped you when you were a baby and raised you as their own OR find out you had a twin that died at birth that they never told you about?

I'd rather find out I had a twin. Otherwise, I'd have to find out who my parents were and that would take a lot of effort.

It's Linky Thursday!

Weird. They're right. With eyes closed, I hear "BA," and watching the video, I totally heard "DA" even when I was trying to hear "BA." Weird.

Lice and the Plague

Busy Mom suggests that I try writing about lice and seeing what happens with the ads at the top of the page. Any other suggestions?

Friend of mine got ads for:
"Bah Humbug T-Shirts": Great gift for anyone who dislikes Peace On Earth and Good Will To Men
"Diary of a Misanthrope": Hate the world? Me, too! Well, kind of.


Team Laserous Explosion

You need this belt (wait for the demo of this cool item).

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Mumble Mumble

I've been kind of interested in the way the Blogger ads change at the top of this page depending on what I write. For a while, they were for Wiggles merchandise, after I wrote about the Wiggles. Then for Coke products, after I mentioned Diet Coke. Then baby products. But now it's suggesting I have problems with dyslexia. Sheesh, everyone's a critic. Maybe when it sees the title of this one it'll suggest speech therapy.

Today was hot, so I tried to put sandals on the munchkin. To put them on, I had to take off the socks he slept in. He freaked. He didn't seem to mind his sandals so much as the fact that I took his socks off. A moment prior, he'd been happily eating his fake soy burger, and now tears were rolling down his face and he was gesturing wildly to the socks I'd so heartlessly removed. I asked, "You want the socks back on?" He cried, "Yeah!!" OK, fine, socks go back on, I don't care. But he had the same reaction when I took off his top to eat spaghetti - I figured, it was hot and spaghetti's messy, we're taking a bath after this anyway, might as well avoid tomato sauce stains on the shirt. "WAAAAHHH!" He grabbed the shirt and tried to cover himself with it. I thought babies liked to be naked. He is so darn modest. I don't know why - he's got an awfully cute little belly.

AI: Diana's growing on me, I must say. I missed what Simon said about John, but I take it that it was respectful. Jasmine, thank you for getting rid of the silly flower, but you didn't do well. I missed Latoya too because I was getting all the darn Costco stuff out of the trunk. I want them to get back to the Ford commercials 'cause that Subway one was just silly. Yeah, Fantasia's gonna dig working at Subway.

Monday, April 26, 2004

Strength in Numbers

1. Exchange at the grocery store tonight:

Me: $1.49? The sign under the pistachios right here (pointing to display right across from checkstand) says .99.

Guy behind me: Yep, she's right. That's what it says.

Checker: No, it's $1.49.

Me: See the sign right here? Under the full box of pistachios? (ruffles through the box full of pistachios for emphasis). See? A box FULL of pistachios, and nothing but pistachios.

Guy behind me: Yep, that's what it says. 99 cents. Right there.

Checker: No, it's $1.49. They're in the wrong place. Someone put them in the peanuts' place. Do you want them or not?

Me: Well, I'll still take them, but I think you should move the nuts.

Guy behind me: I think you should give them to her for .99.

Me: Yeah, it's not my fault someone put them in the wrong place.

Checker: FINE! (takes .50 off)

Me: Thank you, guy behind me.

And the moral is, stand up for the person in front of you. Maybe he did this because the lady in front of me took a really long time counting out her change and was still 5 cents short, so I looked through my purse for a nickel. I didn't have one, but apparently the karma still counted.

2. First day of SBD and I want nothing more than a piece of soft white bread. Hell, I'd take soft white flour. But I can tell my body is "detoxing" and so I'm sticking to it. The 99 cent pistachios helped.

3. Question about the Barbara Walters special where 6 couples get to vie for a teen's baby: Does America get to choose?

Sunday, April 25, 2004

Random Ramblings

Now I know why columnists whip those little notebooks out whenever an idea strikes - I had all these ideas throughout the day and where are they now? Lost in the black hole that is my brain. Hhhmmph.

Starting South Beach tomorrow. I just crave bread way too much, and don't eat enough of the other, like, I don't know, green stuff, so I think it's a good idea for me. I have to make desserts out of ricotta cheese. Hhhmph. As a goodbye gesture, we had KFC for dinner. Chicken strips coated with pistacio nuts is probably really good, but it's just not the same.

Friday, April 23, 2004

Pot Stirrer

Go Shi Ann! You take your bad self and stir things up. What have you got to lose? I'm glad Alicia's gone. She's strong, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like her in person. "You have to come back and live with us.." she warns Shi Ann. Hey sweetie, what's more relevant is that YOU have to go back and live with HER!

Rob M is growing on me, but not that much. I'm actually not that crazy about anyone left. I'm surprised Rupert won the reward challenge. I would've been saying, "Me! Ram a wooden pole through my clay face!" because that challenge was not a reward in any way - it was designed to heighten tension. It's annoying that it looks like Rupert, Jenna, Rob and Amber are going to be in the final four. I still wish Kathy'd been able to stage a coup. Rob just might win after all, and while he has played hard, it's still annoying.

War Is Hell

Try as I might, I haven't been able to find the people who are offended by the sight of the caskets draped in American flags as they travel home. It seems to me that the only one who has a problem with this is George Bush.

This is purely conjecture, but I think I'd want those photos on the news, in the papers, and all over if my loved one were killed. Those caskets are the reality of too many Americans. I'd point to those photos and say, "THIS was my war." I think what's disrespectful is to greet the arrival of troops home safe and sound and ignore that some of them are missing.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

And Don't Piss Ryan Seacrest off....

'cause he'll forget to shave. Hey, America, Ryan's not pleased with your vote. "C'mon, people, this isn't a popularity contest, we're supposed to vote for TALENT"! Bye, Jennifer - you're a good belter, but the redheads' plan to take over the world is bigger than you are. It's gotta help the sting a bit, though, when Ryan and the judges all say America's wrong and someone else (hello, John) should have gone. Poor George, they set him up. He does have to learn to sing a sad song without grinning, though. And Barry, I know I have to turn off my schmaltz meter when you come around, but sweetie, you really overdid it this time. Enough with the exploitive I-Love-America songs. I love this country too, but you just wanna sell records. Next thing you know, Billy Joel and Elton John will get together and do a duet about the Statue of Liberty: "My Stone Lady In The Wind (Who Was Originally From France Which We Don't Like 'Cause They're Cowards But They Did Give Us This Cool Statue Which Is Now American...)"

Compassionate Ass Kicking

I had the weirdest day. Got to St. Martyr's, and I won't go into all the details, but suffice it to say that Superbitch Mom was on the warpath again and in order to maintain a relationship with her and her daughter, I acquiesced and apologized for things I didn't do wrong. I'm obviously a target for her angry projections, and as a therapist I'm supposed to understand that, which I do, and it still leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. You know how when someone makes you mad or treats you badly, and because of extenuating circumstances you can't tell them to where to shove it, so you're left with them renting space in your head? That's what happened.

I knew from experience that I'd obsess for a while and then the situation would take its place with "Other Situations I Can't Control" and I'd let it go. But for several hours, it bugged me. I had three cancellations, which is unusual, and one client who left a weird, angry, uncharacteristic phone message for me. So I had lots of time to obsess, and after the weird phone message I thought, "What is this? Why is all this happening today? Why does everyone hate me today?" Then the cover of Shambala magazine flashed through my head - I'd seen it on the newsstand yesterday as I looked for a national parenting magazine in which I'm quoted (thank you, thank you), and it said something about living in love and compassion. Hmmm - why would that flash through my mind, except to say "This is the greater message"? OK, I'll try but it's hard when you're the target of unfair anger. Pema Chodron talks about noticing where you have trouble finding compassion, and that noticing is good because it shows you where you heart is soft and where it's hard. My heart is hard towards Superbitch Mom, I admit it.

Then, tonight, I had a client whose story moved me to tears. She's not a brand new client, I know her story, but tonight I felt her desperation and her helplessness in a way I hadn't before. I started crying, which can freak clients out sometimes, so I asked her what my reaction was like for her. She started crying too and said, "You get it. No one's gotten it before, but I see that you really get it." Whoa. I still feel a bit like a punching bag, and thought today that maybe I should take up kickboxing so I could have a punching bag of my own, but somehow, I think there is a greater order here.

Oh Barry, you came and you gave without taking....

The Hobbit was kicked off AI a week too early, as far as I'm concerned. I bet he would've done Copacabana and acted out all the parts, too. Wouldn't that have been a highlight? Tall Skinny Redhead is probably going to go next week. I like him, but he's out of his depth here. I agree with Martini - Jasmine's gotta get rid of that stupid flower. Put it on your dress or your wrist or something - it doesn't go with Manilow (unless you're singing Copa, 'cept she had feathers in her hair).

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

TV Tuesday

From, coincidentally enough, TV Tuesday. These are actually from last week, because I rarely watch TV cop shows (this week's theme).

1. Is there a game show (past or present) you think you would do really well on, as a contestant?
Name That Tune (they need to bring that back).

2. Is there a game show you think is the stupidest thing you've ever seen?
Bonsai - funny for the first minute, then old.

3. Is there a game show you watch, but don't like to admit to watching? (A guilty pleasure!)
Does America's Funniest Home Videos count as a game show?

~Bonus~ Who is your favorite game show host? Who is your least favorite?
I've always liked Tom Bergeron, from back when he was host on Fox After Breakfast. Did not like Gene Rayburn and his goofy microphone.

Monday, April 19, 2004


An online friend sent me a link to a website for a little boy who has an aggressive brain cancer. I went, watched the video, got teary-eyed, and as usual, terrified of another thing that could rip A. from my arms.

When A. was an infant, I used to go to memorial websites and message boards for parents who'd lost their babies to SIDS. I felt like a voyeur, looking in on these people's grief for my own purpose. I went because I was superstitious. I believed on some level that if I read their stories and faced their pain, it wouldn't happen to me. Like God is sitting up there tallying people who are in denial about babies' death and those who aren't, and those who aren't in denial get a break. That's ridiculous, I know - people have lost their entire families to war, cancer, accidents, etc. People who we think couldn't possible survive another tragedy get blasted again. When I was about 6 months pregnant, we went to see "The Bedroom" (spoiler ahead if you haven't seen it) - when the only son of the couple is murdered, I whispered to G, "OK, we have to have at least two."

Ultimately, I can control so little. I want to believe I can keep him safe. That I can keep the SIDS and the brain tumors and the accidents away. That God will see that I can't possibly survive losing him, and so won't put me through that. I don't think a day goes by that I don't imagine something happening to take him away from us. It's quick, a quick inner gasp that I don't dwell on. On Mondays G takes A. across the bridge to our friend's house to babysit for a few hours while he and I both see clients. It goes through my mind like a flash - the awareness that both of my guys are in the same car, and if something happens, I could lose them both. If I see a story about a kidnapping, or childhood cancer, or even remembering the Oklahoma bombing where so many children in daycare were tragically killed - that inner gasp catches me - what if I lose A.? What if I lost his goofy grin? What if he never grows up? So I push those thoughts aside and go on with my day because I have to. I can't live in fear. But honestly, the fear's never very far away.

Saturday, April 17, 2004

Get Ready to Wiggle!

Yep, we saw the Wiggles today! A was enthralled - for a full hour he stared at the stage, and eventually even joined in the clapping.

(Excuse me while I go shoot the guy who is working next door. It's 9:30pm and he's been revving the engine of his piece-of-crap orange truck for OVER AN HOUR. He does this EVERY NIGHT. Then he, blessedly, drives away. Twice tonight we heard big bangs that shook the house and G even climbed into the attic to see if something had fallen through the roof. It was probably Orange Truck Guy doing something stupid. I don't know what it was.

OK, he's gone now. It's his lucky day. Next time, I'm not kidding, I'm shooting him. Back to the Wiggles...)
The best parts:

  • Captain Feathersword doing imitations of Mick Jagger, Britney Spears, Bob Dylan and Metallica singing "Cockadoodledo." That came right about the time in the concert where most parents were getting wiggled out, so the timing was good.

  • Henry the Octopus didn't have any songs.

  • Murray and Jeff went into the audience to collect roses for Dorothy the Dinosaur ("for safety reasons" she didn't go herself - guess she's had some death threats or something) and we were literally 2 feet from Murray. He waved at A. And I didn't have my camera.

    Strangest parts:

  • The big blow up doll of Jeff. No one else had a blow up doll - just Jeff. They blew it up and deflated it a couple times. And then they deflated it on stage and it fell on Anthony. I think it was supposed to happen because it was sort of slapstick, but the implications are just weird.

  • They had the same dancers they have on the show - including Mr. Bobblehead. You who watch the show - you know who I'm talking about. The manic guy who jerks his head while he dances. His hair, though, is dark now. Even in a big eagle costume, you could tell which one he was because the beak kept jerking around.

  • The dancers were bouncing around on these really cool FURRY hippity-hops. Where do I get one of those?

    G was a bit disappointed they didn't drive out in the Big Red Car. But the stage was quite small, and the set cheap. Big blow-up stalagmites, and of course, the big blow up Jeff. People make big signs and the Wiggles make a valiant attempt to read them all. Next time we'll know. And next time, we're springing for the Hot Potato section (and a beer). All in all, it was quite enjoyable.
  • Friday, April 16, 2004

    Survivor Update

    Could someone please translate for me what Big Tom is saying? What does his wife deserve? Why don't they use those subtitles for him?

    Lex, Lex, Lex, the mohawk's not a good look for you. Especially when you're tan and your scalp isn't.

    Here's me during the challenge that Alicia, ShiAnn, Rob and Amber were doing: ":::sob:::But none of them have kids! All the people who lost have kids!::::sob::::They should let them see their children!" And is there a mother out there who didn't imagine how heartwrenching it would be to see a tape of your little one and know you couldn't talk to them?:::sob::: That's one BIG reason why I wouldn't sign up for this game. The other reason is that I'd really suck at it. "Excuse me? I have to WIN a rain poncho? After 4 days of steady downpour? What kind of resort is this? Get me the masseuse."

    Toddler Recreation

    Between Music Together classes, Wiggles tickets and new books, we've spent over $200 in the last month on entertainment for A. And here's what entertained him this morning:

  • Putting gravel, piece by piece, through the cyclone fence so that it would be inside the dog park instead of outside the dog park.

  • Walking through the parking lot touching every license plate asking, "Caw?" Every so often I'd try to throw him off by answering, "No, that's a duck." But he's no fool and gave me that sideways glance that says he's just barely tolerating my presence and would have preferred to be by himself but needed me to drive.

  • Walking up hill, sliding a bit, applauding when he got to the top, and then coming back down, sliding more.

  • Watching the dogs frolicking. I was glad he wasn't a bit older because some of their frolicking would have necessitated an early explanation of the birds and the bees.

  • Watching squirrels either play or fight. I wasn't sure which but they looked like they were wrestling, and I don't know if squirrels wrestle. Maybe they were just taking a cue from the dogs.

    This, of course, was all free, if a tiny bit boring for Mom (really, only the Gravel Relocation Program was boring. The dogs were cute and the squirrels were funny).
  • Reality Show Update

    G joked last night while watching the Apprentice that it was time for Jeff Probst to show up in his helicopter. I suggested that the boardroom walls were going to fall away to reveal a studio audience. Hah! Little did we know.

    So Omarosa wasn't set up - she's an unstable liar. Well. Okay then. Kwame screwed himself when he picked his team, I think. I do like him - I'd work for him anyday, as long as it didn't involve Omarosa.

    Last night A was just beside himself. He didn't want to take a bath, he didn't want to get out of the bath; he didn't want me to put his cup of juice anywhere besides the kitchen counter; he didn't want his jammies on, he didn't want to be naked. He wanted his airplanes, he didn't want to go get them. He was mad at me, he didn't want me to put him down. I finally just picked him up, sat down and held him. I would've put him to bed since he was obviously tired, but G was coming home early and wanted him to stay up and play, so he got to deal with him while I collapsed on the sofa and watched the AI results show.

    Speaking of which, goodbye to the Hobbit. It was fun to watch you jerk all over the stage.

    Thursday, April 15, 2004

    Rackin' frackin' estimated tax crap....they make it so hard to be self-employed in this country, and so easy to be a cheating CEO. We are getting a refund for 2003, but I still had to pay estimated taxes for 2004 today and it hurt. Ouch.

    Survivor, AI and The Apprentice, plus two new cases of Caff-Free Diet Coke will make it all better. We had a Diet Coke emergency last night and I was forced to drink Hansen's Syrup Soda. Blegh.
    Unfortunately we are still a TIVO-free household, and I tape Survivor to watch with G., since he doesn't get home till 9-10pm. So he's going to miss the AI results - guess I'll have to act it out for him.

    Wednesday, April 14, 2004

    AAARGH! Why didn't someone tell me American Idol was tonight??? I thought it was Thursday, but it turns out that's just the results show. And it was musical/movie night too and Quentin Tarantino was on! Aaaargh! Did anyone tape it? I saw the last bits and I'm betting tall redheaded guy is going. I like him, but he just doesn't have the voice. :::off to lick my wounds:::

    Oh, added blogrolling to the site (to the right). Not quite formatted right yet, but hey..Blogroll me!

    G. was happy to see me get home tonight. A. was "Needy Gonzales" all day.

    Saw a bunch of clients today, and one told me that something I'd said last week really stuck with her and was "worth the price of admission for 20 years of therapy." Comments like that always scare me because sometimes a client will fixate on something I don't even remember saying. But this was a good one, and she really seemed to think it was important. I thought, "Cool. Maybe I am in the right business."

    Tuesday, April 13, 2004

    Oh the pressure! Every watch QVC? So I've been waiting until today for the scrapbooking special value, which is only sold today, and I switch on QVC for the first time. They showcase different stuff for about 10 minutes, showing you how to use it, and how wonderful it is, and the host keeps saying things like, "We started out with 10,000 and we only have 1500 left! So call now!" Then they talk to people who call to order who say things like, "I had no idea that envelope maker had so many options!" They sold something insane like 57,000 of what I wanted, but they weren't sold out. You gotta wonder how many they have. I had to buy it by 11:59pm EST, so of course by the time I remembered about it, I had something like 13 minutes left. I had to go through the whole Becoming a Member of QVC rigamarole, but I got my order in. Phew!

    In other news:
    AI: Excuse me? AI is postponed because GWB wants to talk to the press? At least I can finally catch Gilmore Girls.

    Survivor: Sorry Lex. I still like you. But Boston Rob did the same thing to you that you did to Ethan. I can only hope everyone else sees this and realizes they can't trust Rob and boots his and Amber's bony ass outta there. C'mon Kathy - rally the forces. I hate it when one tribe just overtakes the other.

    The Apprentice: Let's see a show of many people think Omarosa was told to screw up? My sister floated that theory and I think she's on to something. Kwame is supposed to step up to the plate and fire her, but he's not doing it and I think that's gonna cost him. My money's on Bill.

    Ack! Only 3 glasses of hard liquor? At least I had an epidural. Woman gives herself a Cesearean.

    Sunday, April 11, 2004

    Hey all! We're back from Portland. The Mickey Mouse fan worked like a charm. The Winnie the Pooh cell phone also worked, until some old fart in front of us complained to the flight attendant about the beeping noise. Guess she prefered the screaming toddler noise. I tried to get Aidan to kick her seat but he's too short yet. Fortunately he's such an amiable fellow he didn't mind that his cell got confiscated. It was a whirlwind trip and we're tired. Getting through security with a toddler, a car seat, a stroller, a diaper bag and backpack and a shopping bag of assorted Easter Basket goodies (a hearty thank you to those of you who kept it small) is not my favorite thing in the world. But we manage it. Can't wait to see how we do with two. (No, not pregnant - just looking into the future).

    Thursday, April 08, 2004

    Beautiful birth slide show (with a soundtrack!). This is what I always thought birth should be like.

    Wednesday, April 07, 2004

    Ack! Did you see this? Eyeball jewelry? What if your look changes? What if your little metal celtic knot clashes with your ballgown? Do you take a big strong magnet and pull the thing out? Ick.

    We're off to Portland tomorrow. Flying with the rugrat is not the easiest thing. He gets his own seat, fortunately, but he's a bit peeved that he has to be belted into his car seat when we're sitting right next to him and not holding him, especially me with my tasty boob that could just as well be in his mouth. But I did buy this Mickey Mouse personal fan where the blades are foam, so you can stick your finger in them and be just fine, and the middle lights up like a rotating ferris wheel. I'm hoping it will hypnotize him into submission. And if that doesn't work, "Hey sweetie, this baby benadryl tastes juuussst like bubble gum!"

    Tuesday, April 06, 2004

    Nice Zen version of the 23rd Psalm.

    Oh wow, I'm famous! No, not really, but I got linked on "Mom in the Mirror" by Julie Moos, the creator of DotMoms. On both, I'm listed as "Everyday Lunasea." I'm so excited.

    Ai yi yi. I got the rugrat down to bed by 8pm so I could watch AI; no, wait, I got him down by 8pm because that's his bedtime. AI just happened to be starting. Elton John night - sounds like a great night, right? Yuck. They're really massacring his songs. Oh, here comes George...he sounds good, as usual, although I've never heard this song before. I like him. I still like the Hobbit, too, but I think his days are numbered. The only thing saving him is that there are people (Camilla) worse than he is.

    We're heading to Portland in 2 days. I've got a long day tomorrow, so I should be packing tonight. G wants me to use the "small" suitcase because the stroller takes up so much room in the car that it's hard to fit that, the extra car seat, plus us and the duffel bag with A's toys in the car on the way to the airport. I don't think that's a good enough reason, but being the imminently reasonable person I am, I said I'd try to fit all my stuff along with all A's stuff in the small bag. Granted, it's only 4 days, but Portland weather is shaky and I'd like to wear more than two outfits. How come Mommies always get to pack the kids? I couldn't fit into the small suitcase when it was just me, let alone someone who uses new underwear several times a day.

    Here's what I ate today: One glazed donut, one tiny Nestle crunch bar, 5 almond windmill cookies, 3 bowls of Puffin cereal, and a 1/2 box of Annie's mac and cheese. There's something to all that low-carb stuff, because today I feel like crap. Blegh. Back on the wagon tomorrow.

    Saturday, April 03, 2004

    ACK! Almost forgot the Reality Show Update!

    Survivor: Bye bye Jerri. It's about time - couldn't stand her last time, couldn't stand her this time. She held her tongue more this time, but still - I didn't want her going any further in the game. And how Godfather is Rob? "You take care o' her, I take care o' you" - and everyone's afraid they'll wake up with a horse's head if they don't keep Amber. What exactly does Amber see in this guy? I'd set Alicia up with him before Amber.

    AI: Yeah, the Hobbit's still in the game! But sorry, big redheaded dude - you're going next, I'm afraid. Unless the theme next week is Tony Bennett - you never know. I'm still waiting for Manilow night - that'll be a keeper! ("Oooooh came and you gave without taking....")

    Apprentice: Ooooh, I can't wait till next week. I bet the last two (my guess - Bill and Amy) have to negotiate with Omarosa for their final challenge. Brilliant twist - Mark Burnett is awfully good at this stuff, isn't he?

    I worked for MCT today for the first time in a looong time. MCT is a job I've had in one form or another for 10 years - the longest I've done pretty much anything. It's a job where I drive around in a city car with a police radio and get dispatched to any police call that has some mental health component. I do evaluations for involuntary psychiatric hospitalization, grief and trauma counseling, talk to psychotic people, give referrals and basically try to solve problems until tomorrow (or until 4pm when I'm off).

    Today we had a guy whose friend called the police and said he was suicidal and had a gun. Upon interview with me and the police, it appeared he was neither suicidal nor did he have a gun. I think he liked the attention because he kept making up stories about where the gun was ("It's under the bed! No, it's in the closet!") and kept asking one of the officers if he wanted to frisk him.

    The other call was a mom who got shoved down by her adult son who is a disrespectful bratty pot-head. It's about time she laid down the law, if you ask me.

    In between calls, I go get frozen yogurt, run errands, or whatever. (I found some cheap kid's books at Tuesday Morning that A. showed no interest in). I love the job because there's so much freedom and talking to psychotic people can be really fascinating and moving. But it's also a burnout because we get put in lots of situations that we can't fix, and we also end up stuck between the police and the citizens sometimes. I can't tell you how often I've been talking to some homeless crazy guy and some idiot with a video camera is taping my every move, and another idiot is screaming at us about violating this poor soul's rights. They want to know every detail and exactly why we are harassing this guy. Naturally, they shut up when I suggest that perhaps this poor guy doesn't want his privacy violated and that maybe they should get his permission before they videotape him.

    One time, we were in the Post Office trying to talk to a terrified young woman who appeared to be on some mind-altering substance. She was crouched in the corner of the PO boxes screaming that she was dying. Four police officers were standing around her, and me, trying to calm her down. Some idiot lady refused to leave the area because she "had a right to be there as a witness." She wanted to know why we needed 4 officers for this poor girl, and what they were going to do to her. I tried to explain that the more officers there are, the safer the subject because less force needs to be used (except in LA, maybe - the dept. I work with is very careful and respectful - in 10 years I've never seen anything questionable). But she didn't want to hear that - she really didn't want an explanation at all, she just wanted to complain. The bigger problem was that her presence was setting this girl off for some reason and she still wouldn't leave, insisting that the girl didn't even know she was there and that whatever "Devil Woman" this girl was yelling about wasn't her. It was kind of funny, actually - the girl, in all her crazy yelling, had some awareness of what was going on because she finally ended up yelling, "That lady in the orange hat! She's the devil!" So we all turned and just looked at this woman, who tilted her nose up in the air and finally left. Now, I'm all for concerned citizens, but JFC, stay the hell out of my way! Yeah, that's why I only sub now. BTW, the girl ended up at the hospital having smoked too much crack - given to her by her father. Nice.

    Rant over. Really didn't mean it to turn into all that, but it's a fun job for the most part. Just don't get me started on city politics.

    Oh! Two cool things today - was leaving a call and a van advertising a popular endurance-bar drove up. Apparently the founder (I recognized him from interviews in the paper) and his buddies were at a biking event in Santa Rosa, and one of them lived next door. They were very friendly and asked if we wanted any of these bars left over from the event. So I got a chocolate chip one and a fudge-almond one for free! I was a bit cranky because I'd been dispatched to the call before getting a chance to grab lunch, and here it is! Way to manifest, universe!

    Second cool thing: I wanted to return to a Thai restaurant that I'd been to one evening shift when I was working MCT with an intern a few months ago. Problem was, I couldn't remember the name of the place or where it was. All I remembered was that they had cool placemats where fruits were carved into animals. The intern I'd eaten there with worked tonight, so at shift change I asked her where/what it was, and she couldn't remember either. Grrrr. So G and I were walking along, fully intending to go to a new but untried Indian place, and happened to walk by a Thai restaurant - there must be 50 in this city - it's hard not to walk by one. I poked my head in, looked at the tables, and Voila! Fruity animals! That was it! I never would have recognized it if we hadn't been walking by. So we had a very yummy yellow curry and chicken satay dinner. G said it was the best curry he'd ever had. How is that for luck? I really should go buy a lottery ticket tonight.

    Friday, April 02, 2004

    Wiggles Analysis

    We're going to see the Wiggles Live! in a few weeks. I think it's going to blow A's mind. "WTH? I KNEW there were real people inside that TV!" So, here is my take on a few of the Wiggle characters:

    GregAnthonyJeffMurray: Undifferentiated Ego Mass. Although, don't you feel a little sorry for Jeff? He's so short and they don't really let him sing. No wonder he keeps falling asleep.

    Henry the Octopus: The Entitled Bully. He's always ordering everyone around. "Shine, shine, shine my shoes! Rub some seaweed on my shoes!" Hey, Henry, with 8 arms you should be able to get one of them to work - do it yourself. And stop ordering that underground band around - those backup fish are going to become famous and leave you in the dust if you aren't nicer to them.

    Dorothy the Dinosaur: The Co-Dependent Whiner. "Oooohhhh, the hat I made you got all wet!" I was hoping to win your affections by sucking up to you, Anthony. Because I think that's the only way I can make friends. Oh please, tell me I'm OK, over and over.

    Wags the Dog: The Narcissist. But, I like Wags. C'est Bon, C'est Wags. You go, dog, do that tango.

    Captain Feathersword: He's easy. The Delusional Manic. Oh, OK, you're a pirate. And people do dances with pompoms on your pirate ship. Riiiiight.

    A. found his pacifier (God knows where) and handed it to me. I thought he was being so good because he knows he's only supposed to have his paci in bed. But then he walked over the sink and pointed to it. He wanted me to wash it off. Oh, OK, Suddenly-Afraid-of-Germs-Boy. Then he took it back and popped it in. So I said, "Hey, let's go put that back where it belongs." He immediately ran into the TV room and pointed to the TV - "ooohh! Oooh!" Like, "Look at Stanley! He's talking to his goldfish!" (Let me say here that "Stanley" is the show that holds A's interest the least. He's never shown any interest in it - until now). Nice try, bud.

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