T+ A Day and a Half

I did expect it to be hard. It seems so momentous - from here on out, he doesn't live here full-time. Just 3 days ago, he did. 

 What I wasn't prepared for was the onslaught of memories. B. just asked me to cut his hair, so I instantly thought of 2 days ago when A. "let" me cut his hair before he left and got teary. Is everything going to be measured in "before he left" and "after he left?" 

 We're in Halloween season, which is my favorite time of year, so there are lots of memories of pumpkin patches and hay mazes, costume searches. Geez, how long ago was it that he saw that ladybug costume in Babies R Us and decided that's what he wanted to be? 

 I think what hurts the most is the things I'd hoped to do that we never got to. Every year I wanted to take them strawberry picking, or apple picking, and it never happened. 

I know it's cliche to say that it went by so fast, and I know there were times when it was so slow going. There's the nostalgia for long ago, and there's the pain of what I miss now. 

He spent a lot of time in his room for the last couple of years, but at least I knew he was in there. I miss him playing his video games on the TV. I miss knowing he'd turn out the lights since he was usually the last one up. I miss him emptying the dishwasher, and slamming doors when he didn't realize how loud he was being because he had his headphones on. I miss the squeaking of the trampoline. God, I really miss him. 

There are a few things I tell myself that help me hang on - 

He is where he should be, where he wants to be. He was so ready to go. 

We are still connected. He still needs us. He'll be back in a few months. Then he'll be gone again, for longer, but everyone tells me it gets easier. He can't come home for weekends, but that's OK. 

What a good job we've done, that he can follow his dreams to London. He's so adventurous, so brave.

He used to tell me I was his favorite person. It's been a long time since that's been true, which is OK. For a while, I was, and that's what I wanted. I wanted to raise my children knowing without any doubt that they were loved. He and his brother still know that. 

We are still a family, it's just going to look different. As it should.