Two Years Ago....

I was laying/sitting in a hospital bed, trying to figure out how to get my wailing baby out of the portacrib next to me. For me, the worst thing about having a C-section was how hard it was to move in bed. And I was in a "baby-friendly" hospital, which means no nursery, which means rooming in, which is fine and dandy except that they had no private rooms and since I shared the room, they wouldn't let G. stay with me. Which means I was by myself, which means no sleep for the mama. I remember my neck getting stiff because I propped myself up on the bed rail and had my hand hanging over into the bassinet trying to pat him, and I dozed on and off for a couple of hours in that position. My roommate's baby had jaundice, so she was in the NICU under the bilirubin lights. The nurses would come wake Roomie up around midnight to nurse, and she'd say, "Oh, I think I'll skip this one - just come get me in the morning." I hoped A. kept her awake.

But enough about me. As of yesterday, A. has been on this earth two whole years. And someone gave him the memo about his new two-year-old duties, because he has been whining non-stop since yesterday. I'm hoping getting back home and into our routines will help. He loved the cake and the presents last night - so much so that this morning he wanted "cake and stwabewies!" for breakfast and when he was done, told us it was time for presents. He ran out to look at the table where I'd gotten his wrapped gifts last night to see if there were more. It's hard to understand birthdays when you're just two.

And being a mother has completely changed my life. All of a sudden there was this little human for whom I would easily kill. I remember being shocked when I realized my pacifist heart was fully capable of murder if anyone threatened him. It's like walking over this threshold that you can never step back over. Once you've had a child, you have always been that child's mother, no matter what happens. It's a wild thing that happens to your heart that no one can explain until you cross the threshold for yourself. It's great, terrific, sweet, hard, exhausting and frustrating. Fortunately for him, he's really, really cute.