Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Sleep and Other Mysteries

So the Crazy Toddler is trying to give up his nap. He's 21 months old and everything I've read says he still needs a nap. You know, it would be one thing if he didn't nap but slept in until 8am. He still gets up between 5am and 6am. Enough already, kid. You need to sleep. We need to sleep.

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Last night A. came out after I'd put him to bed. "I need you to tuck me in."

"I already did, though - why do you need it to be done again?"

"Because the blanket keeps tucking me out!"

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Had a weird encounter at Michael's. The lines were typically long and the cashiers typically slow. The old lady in front of me had divided her purchase into a million smaller purchases and wanted to write a separate check for each one. (Who writes checks anymore?)

So a clerk finallys shows up and says she can take me, since I'm next in line, at the next register. I grab A., swing the cart around and book it over there. A tall skinny woman tries to jump in. I hate line jumpers. Hate them. The lady looks pleadingly at me and says, "It's just one item, please, would you mind?" I'm a zen kinda chick, so I shrugged and said, "I've waited this long, I guess a few more minutes won't matter."

Meanwhile, the old lady finally finished and the customer who had been behind me was already getting her purchase rung up. Of course. Whatever. I felt worse for the people behind me who had been waiting patiently and then had this lady just squeeze on in. But Ben was entertained by the snowmen all over and A. was being cooperative, so whatever.

Here was the weird part: Line Jumper leans over to me and says, "We're on our way to meet my mother at the hospital, to find out...." here she pauses and holds her hand up to her mouth so she can whisper behind it, presumably so her little girl doesn't hear her, "if she has lung cancer," in a big stage whisper.

Lady, why are you telling me this? I told you you could go in front of me. I nodded at her, but thought, "Oh, yeah, my mom had lung cancer. She died. Right before Christmas, too." But when someone tells you their mom might have or has lung cancer, the last thing they want to hear is that my mom had it too - unless she survived, which she didn't. It was weird. When she was done, she actually stepped toward me, put her hand on my arm and said, "Thank you." Um, you're welcome?

This whole December has been weird. I can't figure out if I'm just annoyed with the holiday overload, if I'm pressured, getting sick, grieving my mother, or WHAT. I've been in a bad mood and the news about James Kim didn't help. It made me very, very sad. I had a bit of time before my 6-clients-in-a-row, put The Flaming Lips on my iPod, went out for a walk and wondered WTF everyone was praying was for. I mean, God's gonna do what he's gonna do (or not do) no matter what, anyway, right? I've rarely prayed for anying specific, rather, I pray for strength. Strength and peace for me and/or for others. But today I was just pissed off. God's gonna give that family strength if he wants to. Or he won't. Whatever. My praying isn't going to make a difference.

I'm not always this jaded or angry. 99% of the time I believe that prayer is mostly just being aware of God's presence in our lives. But today - I'm not so aware and I'm pretty pissed off. Stop taking little kid's parents away. Stop giving kids to people who abuse and/or kill them. Just cut it the fuck out.

3 comments:

Sarah O. said...

Nothing to say here but I'm sending you a virtual hug.

OK, I always have something to say. The holidays have become so unnecesarily stressful. You especially hear about this all day, every day from your patients. It's got to get you down.

Add any negative surprise and suddenly life becomes exponentially more aggrevating. Add genuine tragedy and it's a wonder you survive.

No wonder January is such a quiet month. Everybody's recovering from December!

Boobless Brigade Master said...

Oh yes...you did the right thing by not sharing your personal experience with lung cancer.

I don't know how many times people have asked me what kind of cancer I had and after I tell them, the response is usually, "Oh, my (insert family, friend, neighbor) had it as well and lost their battle (insert #) years later."
I want to say, "Gee, thanks for the inspiration to keep fighting the good fight idiot." but alas, I've mellowed, so I just walk away shaking my head.

And of course you know where I stand on the whole g-d thing.
I know it can be a tough time of year, but just look into the eyes of your children...that's where you'll find all of your faith and strength...most of it in the form of your mother coming through them! {{{C}}}

Natalie said...

Hi,
I don't even know how I navigated to get here but I enjoyed reading your blog.
Isn't it interesting how someone can pick you, of all people, out of a crowd (or line; at Michael's it's the same thing... lol) and make a statement like that to you? I always wonder what kind of "spiritual magic" is working to have that presented in one's life.
And it usually freaks me out.
I guess you got an opportunity to show a little amount of kindness to someone who was in "that" place.
And/or... maybe it was an opportunity put in front of you to help you work through your own feelings? Who knows.
The thing with James Kim was very sad, indeed.
Take care,
Natalie

 
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