Superstition

An online friend sent me a link to a website for a little boy who has an aggressive brain cancer. I went, watched the video, got teary-eyed, and as usual, terrified of another thing that could rip A. from my arms.

When A. was an infant, I used to go to memorial websites and message boards for parents who'd lost their babies to SIDS. I felt like a voyeur, looking in on these people's grief for my own purpose. I went because I was superstitious. I believed on some level that if I read their stories and faced their pain, it wouldn't happen to me. Like God is sitting up there tallying people who are in denial about babies' death and those who aren't, and those who aren't in denial get a break. That's ridiculous, I know - people have lost their entire families to war, cancer, accidents, etc. People who we think couldn't possible survive another tragedy get blasted again. When I was about 6 months pregnant, we went to see "The Bedroom" (spoiler ahead if you haven't seen it) - when the only son of the couple is murdered, I whispered to G, "OK, we have to have at least two."

Ultimately, I can control so little. I want to believe I can keep him safe. That I can keep the SIDS and the brain tumors and the accidents away. That God will see that I can't possibly survive losing him, and so won't put me through that. I don't think a day goes by that I don't imagine something happening to take him away from us. It's quick, a quick inner gasp that I don't dwell on. On Mondays G takes A. across the bridge to our friend's house to babysit for a few hours while he and I both see clients. It goes through my mind like a flash - the awareness that both of my guys are in the same car, and if something happens, I could lose them both. If I see a story about a kidnapping, or childhood cancer, or even remembering the Oklahoma bombing where so many children in daycare were tragically killed - that inner gasp catches me - what if I lose A.? What if I lost his goofy grin? What if he never grows up? So I push those thoughts aside and go on with my day because I have to. I can't live in fear. But honestly, the fear's never very far away.