Psychobabble

Weird little song/cartoon that reminds me of the way A. counts.

So I drove by God's Gym today. The most interesting thing about it was the mural of a buffed and posing Jesus on the side of the building. We didn't do enough damage turning Jesus into a blue-eyed white guy? Now we've gotta make him Mr.Universe?

I'm surfing the web trying to distract myself from my bummed-out-ness. I have a chemical imbalance that causes me to get either anxious for no reason or bummed-out and certain that everyone else in the world has a life and I don't, right around the time my estrogen drops in my cycle. It sucks. It causes extreme post-partum depression, which I found out when I had A. and was sure my life was over for the next 18 years, even as I admired his superlong eyelashes and decided he was the cutest baby ever.

Today I made a really hard decision. I decided I needed to stay on antidepressants during my next pregnancy. I hate it. I hate that my brain on antidepressants is so much sunnier, and dare I say it, NORMAL, than my brain off them. I hate it that I can't just casually mention that I have this chronic disease that requires I stay on medication because the stigma is still so strong. I hate that I hate it, since I'm a therapist and absolutely know that the stigma against depression is insidious and harmful. I should shout it from the mountain tops - "I'm depressed and I'm proud!" I've been in therapy, I've done some hard work about beliefs I've carried from my childhood, and some anger about that. And that's all great, but it doesn't change the fact that when my estrogen drops, a wet blanket falls on my brain.

See, the thing is, on Prozac, I'm not depressed. I'm not super-high, either, I'm NORMAL. I have blue days, lonely days, PMS days, but it's all "within normal limits," as we psychologists like to say. When I'm not on them (or they're not working), I look at my life and I think, "I have a great life. I have a great family, a great husband, a great little guy, a great job, I've worked hard, I've found meaning in life, etc.," and yet there's this veil over everything so I can see it, but can't be touched by it. I can't be soothed or comforted by it, and that sucks, because I know I've got it good. Hearing about other's misfortunes and thinking about how lucky I am does not help. I do think positively, I pray, etc., and that helps me cope with the low serotonin levels when they happen. They always pass, sometimes within a few hours, but sometimes it takes longer, and always when my hormones shift. :::sigh::: The worst part is that when the dark cloud hits, I never know how long it's going to stick around. I have faith that I'll come out the other side like I always have, but there is this small fear, "what if this time it doesn't end?"

I've done the research, talked to my doctors and they all tell me that the risks of the almost sure depression/anxiety during my pregnancy and after vs. the slightly possible but so far not found risks of SSRI's during pregnancy seem greater. I guess that while this isn't a flip decision in any way, I'm afraid it may be somewhat selfish. I guess I'm annoyed that I have to make this choice at all. But hey, no one else with a chronic, recurring disease asked to have it, either.