I'm Ready for My Close-Up

We need someone to replace Martha Stewart. Obviously, her image no longer quite fits with chickens, flowers and clean linens. So Omnimedia needs to replace her, and quickly. I am volunteering for the job. No, I don't have quite the perfectionistic streak Martha had, but isn't that a Good Thing? There's no chance of insider trading, or really any dirty laundry with me, and I could appeal to that sort of Everywoman who wants to be Martha but has kids and a life. I know nothing about chickens, but I suppose I could learn for the sake of the show. I love clean linens, and I'm good about learning how to cook things. My intake skills would come into play when I asked just the right questions of guests, and I'd actually be able to relate to the kids when they come on the show (wasn't that painful to watch?). I think I'd be a perfect replacement - likable, but not too much like Martha. They can't hire another ice queen - it just wouldn't work. So I'm waiting for my call.