Do you ever have days where you just can't believe how big a bitch you are? Where you feel like you have one of those voice-changers in your mouth because if you didn't work very very hard to make your voice slow and neutral, every "that's nice" or "that's interesting" you say to your kids would sound like a very acerbic "you've mistaken me for someone who gives a shit." Or you're afraid they might hear the "OHMYGODSHUTTHEFUCKUP" you're screaming in your brain?
And part of you is just watching this, marveling at the bitchdom, because you're not really like this normally? Oh sure, you have the cranky days, but they're not usually this Psycho-Mommie-Dearest. And you know it's not the kids' fault. They're not being any more annoying or difficult than usual.
When I was pregnant with A., I had this very hormonal day where I snapped at G., "OHMYGOD, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" Hysterical Lunasea was new to him, so we just stared, startled, at each other and I said, "Whoa. Sorry 'bout that." That's what this is like, but it's harder because I can snap at G. and he'll be like, "Okaaaay. I'm just gonna go hide in the garage. See ya in a few days." But the kids can't do that and would wonder what the hell they did to turn me into Monster Bitch. I can't have that. I won't have them afraid of my blow-ups, especially when they're doing nothing wrong. I know what that's like and I won't have it for my children.
So I brought out the aforementioned voice changer and tried very hard to speak slowly and neutrally. I played with A. and read to Ben. Otherwise I kept my mouth shut. Because whoever was possessing me today...she really shouldn't be around children.