And Don't Piss Ryan Seacrest off....

'cause he'll forget to shave. Hey, America, Ryan's not pleased with your vote. "C'mon, people, this isn't a popularity contest, we're supposed to vote for TALENT"! Bye, Jennifer - you're a good belter, but the redheads' plan to take over the world is bigger than you are. It's gotta help the sting a bit, though, when Ryan and the judges all say America's wrong and someone else (hello, John) should have gone. Poor George, they set him up. He does have to learn to sing a sad song without grinning, though. And Barry, I know I have to turn off my schmaltz meter when you come around, but sweetie, you really overdid it this time. Enough with the exploitive I-Love-America songs. I love this country too, but you just wanna sell records. Next thing you know, Billy Joel and Elton John will get together and do a duet about the Statue of Liberty: "My Stone Lady In The Wind (Who Was Originally From France Which We Don't Like 'Cause They're Cowards But They Did Give Us This Cool Statue Which Is Now American...)"