Compassionate Ass Kicking

I had the weirdest day. Got to St. Martyr's, and I won't go into all the details, but suffice it to say that Superbitch Mom was on the warpath again and in order to maintain a relationship with her and her daughter, I acquiesced and apologized for things I didn't do wrong. I'm obviously a target for her angry projections, and as a therapist I'm supposed to understand that, which I do, and it still leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. You know how when someone makes you mad or treats you badly, and because of extenuating circumstances you can't tell them to where to shove it, so you're left with them renting space in your head? That's what happened.

I knew from experience that I'd obsess for a while and then the situation would take its place with "Other Situations I Can't Control" and I'd let it go. But for several hours, it bugged me. I had three cancellations, which is unusual, and one client who left a weird, angry, uncharacteristic phone message for me. So I had lots of time to obsess, and after the weird phone message I thought, "What is this? Why is all this happening today? Why does everyone hate me today?" Then the cover of Shambala magazine flashed through my head - I'd seen it on the newsstand yesterday as I looked for a national parenting magazine in which I'm quoted (thank you, thank you), and it said something about living in love and compassion. Hmmm - why would that flash through my mind, except to say "This is the greater message"? OK, I'll try but it's hard when you're the target of unfair anger. Pema Chodron talks about noticing where you have trouble finding compassion, and that noticing is good because it shows you where you heart is soft and where it's hard. My heart is hard towards Superbitch Mom, I admit it.

Then, tonight, I had a client whose story moved me to tears. She's not a brand new client, I know her story, but tonight I felt her desperation and her helplessness in a way I hadn't before. I started crying, which can freak clients out sometimes, so I asked her what my reaction was like for her. She started crying too and said, "You get it. No one's gotten it before, but I see that you really get it." Whoa. I still feel a bit like a punching bag, and thought today that maybe I should take up kickboxing so I could have a punching bag of my own, but somehow, I think there is a greater order here.