Wednesday, November 14, 2007

My Nomination for Worst Blind Date Ever

Almost 10 years ago, in between G. and I ending our relationship and G. realizing we should get married and have kids and stuff, I had a blind date so bad it still embarrasses me.

I was on, and met some nice guys. I was very careful about who I met in real life, and if the guy wanted to meet too soon I said forget it. I don't know if it's still like this, but I got so many replies to my profile, I could be pretty picky.

So this guy seemed nice enough through his e-mails and was willing to wait to meet. I thought signing "Sunshine and Joy, R." to his e-mails was a little cheesy, but whatever, it wouldn't hurt to meet him for coffee. He wasn't my favorite of the guys I was e-mailing with, but you just never know who will turn out to be your soul mate, you know?

As I waited for him at the coffee shop, I realized I had never seen his picture. Hmmm. Usually guys are eager to exchange photos pretty quickly. Again, whatever. Hopefully he would recognize me.

So I heard this, "Lunasea?", turned around and did this huge double take where I focused on a spot about 7 inches over my head (G is about 7 inches taller than me - that's what I was used to) and had to very deliberately lower my head to find this guy who I swear was shorter than I. I'm only 5' and I actually think I may be remembering this wrong - maybe he was 5'2", but it sure seemed like he was shorter than I was.

He smiled, and I noticed he was missing teeth. Now, missing teeth is not necessarily a problem if they're in the back of the mouth, and perhaps I'm being too picky, but I do prefer guys I date to have their front teeth intact.

So I was still thinking, "Hey, have an open mind. Maybe this is a diamond in the rough." We ordered our coffee, he did not offer to pay for mine (fine), and we found a table, where he told me the trouble he had taking the train up to the city. He had to take the train up to the city because he didn't have a car. He used to have a bicycle, but darn the luck, he brought it with him on the bus one day and forget to take it when he got off, and would you believe they couldn't find it when he called the transit office TWO days later?

He worked at Kinko's. He was very excited because they had finally allowed him to work inside the store and use the register. Before that I guess he was breaking down boxes in the back or something. He let me in on all the Kinko secrets that they learn in training. He was really sure he had a future there, even though he applied for the open assistant manager position and they didn't even acknowledge his application, which baffled him a little, but he wasn't taking it personally.

By this time I was starting to feel sorry for this guy, but want to be polite, so I ask him about his family. He's close to his brother - too bad his brother has to stay in Oregon and can't come back to California because he has outstanding warrants in Santa Clara County.

He'd spent a night in jail himself - he told me all about it but I don't remember what it was for because the whole time he was talking about it I was thinking, "Are you kidding me? We're meeting for the first time and you're telling me about your night in jail and your fugitive brother?"

I made small talk with him for about 45 minutes, we talked about how I was a ph.d. student (my nickname on was psykphd2be, and he couldn't figure it out) and by the end I couldn't even think of a good exit excuse. All I could come up with was "So. I'm ready to go." No excuse, no "I have another appointment to get to," just, "So. I'm ready to go."

He walked me out, and suggested we go see a movie on our next date - "How 'bout 'You've Got Mail' since it's how we met?" He thought that would be cute. I was afraid he was going to follow me all the way to my car.

I gave him the standard, "It was very nice meeting you, but I don't think it's going to work to see you again." I walked kind of slow because I really really didn't want to drive him back to the train station. I also didn't want him to know which car was mine.

He freaked out. "What? What? How can you say that? How can you possibly know after only talking to me for an hour?" Well, buddy, I knew after 30 seconds - the extra 59 minutes was a gift.

I said, "I just don't think the chemistry is there. You're a nice guy, though, and I wish you the best of luck."

He retorted, "But we have so much in common!"

I was stunned into silence because all I could think of was, "LIKE WHAT????" He started turning all red and puffy and I thought he might cry. I prayed, Oh sweet jesus get me out of here.

I got a little more firm and said, "I'm sorry. It's just not going to work. You need to go home now."

He sputtered a little, walked a few steps, made like he was going to turn around a couple of times to talk to me, saw my frosty glare, and stomped away.

I went home, and he must have booked it on the train because by the time I got home, just a 25 minute drive, he'd already sent a hostile e-mail to me asking how I can possibly say I care about people when I won't even give him a chance, and if I just gave him a chance I'd see that we were meant to be together, he really felt something between us, and he couldn't believe I wasn't going to give him a chance after he took the train all the way to the city, yada yada yada. Dude had a relationship with me already formed in his fantasies, and it was like I was breaking up with him.

I e-mailed back and told him that "no" means "no", and don't contact me again. I blocked his e-mail. He e-mailed from a friend's account, saying, "I'm e-mailing this from a friend's account because you said you'd block mine." I'm not sure if I was supposed to be impressed by his persistence, and say, "Oh gosh, I guess you really do like me - I've changed my mind!" Instead, I consulted with my police officer friends who told me to ignore him and not respond back, so I didn't and never heard from him again. 6 months later G and I were engaged.

But every time I pass that Kinko's.....I get a little nervous.


Kath said...

You're reminded me of my best blind date: I was told to "dumb it down. You don't have to use big words to impress me." How do you explain to someone this is how I talk naturally?

Gary Oxford said...

Wow. If there's a worse blind date than this out there, I don't want to hear about it. But I would like to thank that anonymous blind date of yours for making it easier for losers like me to feel good about themselves.

Deirdre said...


Just reading about it was painful. I'm sorry you had to actually live through it.

Carrie said...

My sister had a similar experience recently through eHarmony although her date was slightly less all of that and she acquiesed to a second date, at which time he told her that they should be exclusive and basically started naming their children.

And that is why I have told Paul that I will kick his ass if he ever leaves me single again.

David said...

Uh, wouldja like to see my taxidermy collection? Yep, that one there I picked up as roadkill--ya can still see the tire track right thar.

I think I have lost all sense of what dating is. Back in my day we didn't have them internets! OK, maybe we did, but online dating? Not so much.

gwendomama said...

umm...i don't think he went home. i think he went to the nearest public library - OR KINKO'S!- with internet access and emailed you.

Lunasea said...

Ah yes, that makes sense gwendomama. And David? Um, no thanks.

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